


battle scars (lams)

by cynicalskinx



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff, John is sad, M/M, Self Harm, alex is a concerned bean, and depressed, but alex makes it better, stay safe loves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 23:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11657028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynicalskinx/pseuds/cynicalskinx
Summary: alexander finds out about john's scars and why he keeps making them.





	battle scars (lams)

it was one am when alex saw them. he had walked into john's room in the dorm to get his laptop charger back from him, when he saw his friend in a green tank top.

usually, anyone would think nothing of it, as when people sleep then tend to wear less clothing than normal. the thing that surprised him was that he hadn't seen laurens in short sleeves in months. yes, winter had come upon them, but he was wearing sweatshirts in fucking june. maybe even before that.

his arms still looked tan and beautifully freckled as ever, but a little more muscle. alex assumed he had been keeping up his workout schedule.

he mentally scolded himself for being so goddamn attracted to john's arms. they were limbs, yet the thought of them wrapped around him made his knees weak.

he walked over to john and looked at him through the dim lighting from his clock and the moon shining in through the window. his eyes already adjusting to the darkness helped as well.

and that's a when he saw something.

john was sleeping so that one arm was clutching the pillow beneath his head, and the other was pressed up against his chest.

on the one clutching the pillow, two little lines caught his attention. alex thought it was dents from hair ties being around his wrist, but they usually didn't look like that.

hair tie marks went in all the way around your arm and they looked anywhere from your normal skin tone to purple, depending how long you left it on and how tight it was. these looked like they were coming up and were darker

he ever so gently pushed the pillow down so that more of his arm was exposed. he gasped at the sight and took a step back.

some were pink, red, and white from healing. some looked ripped open and others looked like they needed stitches at the time of happening. they were in neat lines going horizontal and vertical. the up and down ones looked deeper, as if those were the times he tried to end his life and failed.

there was no way to describe how alex felt when he saw the little lines that were scattered up and down john's left arm.

betrayal? for what though? john had done nothing wrong so there was nothing to feel bad over. this was his decision and he hid it for a reason. but then again, john had given off the persona of a happy little sunshine boy, and he didn't seem that way.

devastated? of course he felt that, i mean he just found out his best friend cut, but it was also relief that he hadn't actually died yet. the sadness waded.

shock? definitely. john has always been the most bubbly and happy person in their friend group, and alexander honestly thought nothing bad ever happened in the freckled guy's life, but obviously he had been wrong.

what happened that made john do this, and why had he decided that this was the way to cope? why couldn't he had come to one of his friends so there would be no scars and no blood and no fucking hurt?

alex felt his heart clench and he got out of that room as fast as he could, forgetting about the laptop charger and just getting quickly into bed. he lay facing upwards at the ceiling, contemplating everything he had just witnessed in the past five minutes.

before he knew it, he was asleep and the sun was already coming up.

would he talk to john about it? even if he did, which he most likely wont, how would he even start the conversation? john would see it as invading his personal space and alex felt like he suddenly needed to be a lot gentler around the boy.

alex dragged his feet to the kitchen to do his daily brew of coffee for him and john.

their shared dorm room was quiet as ever, and only now did it occur to alex how much he hated the silence when john was around. why wasn't he cracking jokes or laughing through the walls?

alex left the coffee machine to fill the air with a heavenly sent and walked over to john's bedroom door. he gave two soft knocks before entering.

there was john, sitting on his bed, just pulling a bright orange sweatshirt over his bare chest. as his arms were lifted and his eyelids shut, alex saw the cuts even better in the lighting, making them look even worse. the color popped on them and there were not three colors, rather ten. all varying from different shades of red, meaning some were newer and older.

one particular stood out, being as red as tomato, but darker. the skin around it looked pink and irritated, meaning that he must've only done it that morning.

he almost threw up.

john's eyes flashed with worry once he heard the door open, but thought he was in the clear and put on a smile. "good morning lex!" he greeted happily as he stood up and straightened out the hoodie strings.

alexander wanted to break down. how could someone who smiles the biggest, hurt the baddest?

without saying a word, he walked over and engulfed john into a giant hug. he wrapped his arms around his neck and buried his face into the comfort of john's shoulder. he smelled nice, like oranges and money that you'd find in jeans after it's been washed.

tears pricked his eyes. he tried to be oh so careful as to not hurt one if john's arms.

john hesitantly wrapped his arms back around alexander's waist and chuckled awkwardly. "uhh, alex? what's gotten into you? are you okay?" he asked. alex should be the one asking john that, not the other way around.

he shook his head furiously and pressed up against john, then whispered softly, almost as if a secret that none of the rest of the world was allowed to hear, "i saw your arms."

john's body stiffened up and he pushed alexander away immediately. "what?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around his torso.

alex took a step toward to his friend. they both were now on the verge of crying. "last night, i saw them." he said as he played with the skin around his thumb.

"how?" john gritted. he put two and two together and realized alex had been in his room while he didn't have sleeves on. he slept in tank tops because it was more comfortable, and never ever left his room without something that would cover his arms.

he was now furiously upset. he had tears that were threatening to fall from devastation, but he couldn't feel more invaded and angry.

"i went to get my computer charger and the tank top just- please john lets talk about this." he begged. john looked down to his feet, as he was now crying.

he had been so good at hiding his secret from his friends while he was awake, he didn't think to lock his fucking door once in a while when he was asleep.

"no."

"p-please. i want to help. i just want to know w-why? and when? and how can i help you?" alexander pleaded. he felt useless here. after all this time of john suffering and suffocating in his own depression, alexander was off in his own little world.

john looked up through watery eyes. "you can't help me cause i'm not broken! i'm fine!" he tried to yell but his voice came out scratchy and weird.

"no you're not!" alex argued back as he took his friend in another hug, even bigger from the last.

it hit him finally. this was all john ever wanted: someone to care. he wanted to say he was fine and have someone say he wasn't. as simple, as specific, and as picky as that sounds, he did want to vent sometimes, and he did want to feel happy again.

maybe alexander was the way to do it.

he'd never admit it, not as long as eliza was around, but alexander was his safe spot. his home and his blanket of protection from the world. being able to come home after a hard day of class to a smiling face and some take out food waiting for him, kept him living.

so maybe he did have a tiny crush on alexander, but who didn't? alex knew he was gay and didn't have the slightest problem with it.

alexander was with eliza which meant he was off limits, and john can only respect that for so long until he begins to break inside and feel numb.

john rested his forehead against alex's temple and let out a muffled sob of, 'thank you's and 'i'm sorry's.

alex held onto him tighter and whispered that it was going to be alright, because now he had him.

after a couple minutes of the both crying, they sat down on john's bed. it was silent until john decided to skip the beating around the bush and just go into it.

"i was fourteen when i found out i was gay. i told my father because i feel he needed to know and he beat the ever lasting shit out of me. he said i was a waste of space and would never be anything more than a useless faggot." he sniffled. "i never told anyone else until i met hercules and laf. they accepted me straight away and helped me until they couldn't. it was fine for a year, then i met you and everything took u-turn-"

he paused mid story to look at alex's hurt expression, and continued.

"you were a light that shown bright even when i was at the bottom of the sea, drowning in self h-hate and doubt and darkness. then you got eliza and i realized how insanely needy i had become. my light faded away from me as my jealousy grew. it eventually grew into hurt and pain, seeing you two be all lovey dovey happy together."

"i remembered watching in a movie that when people hurt, they hurt themselves. i didn't think it was smart at the time. in fact i thought it was dumb and maybe even attention seeker-ish. i tried it and all those thoughts faded away. it became a new hobby of mine i guess and i definitely did not want attention from it. i was ashamed how g-good it made me feel inside."

"then, you and eliza hit your six month anniversary and i tried to k-kill myself." alex gasped softly and bit knuckle to keep from sobbing. "i couldn't stand you looking all excited for your date. but i am a good friend and helped you plan it. it didn't work and i woke up in the bathtub in a pool of my b-blood. you hadn't come home from the date yet, so i took it upon myself to take me to the hospital and get it sewn up. they offered me a therapist and i've never gotten out of a place so fast; i'm not fucking sick. i've been wearing hoodies ever since because that particular scar haunts me."

he finished off with a sigh that could've sent alex over the edge. he was crying, full on shaking shoulders and streaks of tears just racing down his face.

"but please don't break up with her. you're happy and i'm happy for you, as much as you may not believe it. i'm glad you've found someone you l-love."

john didn't get to say more lies before alex lunged forward and pressed their lips together. it was eager and messy, but all john ever wanted as he kissed back with just as much force.

alex's hands cupped john's face and john had his arms around the younger's waist.

when alex pulled away slowly, he kissed the side of john's mouth and whispered. "why didn't you fucking tell me? i like you, you idiot."

john looked at him with wide, confused eyes. had his ears heard correctly? "what?" he murmured.

"i don't like eliza and eliza doesn't like me. i'm her fake lover so the girl that she's dating and her don't get caught. she's not ready to share with the group yet. she asked me to be her 'beard' and after five months, it became a joke and just an excuse to watch bad movies and talk about you and her girl, and call it a 'date'." he put air quotes around the word date.

"please, please please please, don't ever hurt yourself again because of me. i love you john and if you died, i'd die too. literally. you're too fucking important to me. you're my world you goof." he laughed sadly and gently punched john's shoulder.

john placed another kiss on alex's lips. "promise. i love you too." although he wasn't sure if he'd keep the promise, he felt pretty damn sure he wouldn't again any time soon, not as long as he had alexander.

alex moved away from john's lap. "can you uh, can you take off the hoodie?" he asked so politely and so gently, john didn't have half the heart to say no.

hesitantly, he pulled the bottom from the top and tossed it into the floor near his shoes. he pointed his arms to hamilton and looked away so he didn't have to see his reaction.

he felt more self conscious than he's ever been in his entire life. he felt like alexander would judge him for his scars. his left arm was covered, right arm sprinkled, and stomach was dabbled with.

alex took it upon himself to decide that he would be the one to help him heal.

the two spent the next three hours of that morning, talking a comfortable conversation while alex pressed his lips over ever cut at least five times and whispered sweet nothings to john, hoping to make him see how important he truly is. john had never felt so giddy in his life.

after that, he put back on the tank top, and for the first time in months, he walked around their apartment feeling wanted, free, and happy. and all because of alexander.

**Author's Note:**

> this was written awhile ago, and it's not edited so sorry about grammar and/or typos.


End file.
